Friday, April 11, 2008
Life is missing so much!
I was at the gym tonight just like I am every Friday and things are so different..... I am not too sure if it is just the absence of Coach Jay! It is the lull in everyone around there. I have all the expectations that I had when Jay was there and for whatever reason things are still soooo strange. There is a void in the gym NO DOUBT about it. It is like everyone just smiles at each other and they drop their child off and leave. I am not too sure what I am trying to say except my heart and my soul are missing so much without Coach Jay here. I know that he is looking down on me thinking "Why are you being so crazy Heather it is not like we were best friends!!!" However even I had NO IDEA how much he meant to me. I have so many things that are bothering me like that my brother NEVER came to the gym to see E workout with Jay and not that he can't come but it will never be the same for me. While I was there trying to figure out why things were soooo different in everything and everyone I realized that I hate change.... Maybe that is what it is for so many. I had no control over the things that have changed and I do not like that powerless feeling. I just keep hoping that things will get back to normal however I have to realize that this weirdness will become the norm and I hate that. I miss Jay way more then I would have ever thought that I would and I have gone through so many things like anger pure sadness and blaming everyone else...... Now I am just really really bummed that I lost a Hero before I ever even knew that he was a hero to me and so I never told him he was a real Hero to not only me but my family. This has effected every aspect of my life I finally sent out the cards to my close friends to tell them how much they mean to me (something I have been meaning to do for a year) I have cleaned and re organized everything around here, and I have tried to be more thoughtful to people I see out in public (smile even if they don't, make a silly joke) then when I really think about all of it in a huge big picture I realize that Jay was sooooo much more then the guy I saw at the gym, the coach to my son, he was one of my Hero's and he always will be forever. I will never forget him and I sure hope that my life will be stronger for the time I had with him and I will tell people how much they mean. I know that I am ranting not making much sense but oh well that is what this blog is all about for me ....... I miss you Jay!
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Dear Heather---Jay cared more about you and your family than you know. It isn't so strange that you feel this pain---it's what happens to all of us when we form a relationship with a truly caring person. And Jay cared. He noticed much more about each person he encountered than most people do,simply because he cared about people and was interested in helping them-- and then, he put those observations into actions which changed lives and gave hope.
This never seemed heroic or even special to him, but it was. I am not sure that I have found the right words for it, but to me it always seemed that he lived his life with such an abundance of unselfish love. He was not here to take. He was here to give. And he never expected much, if anything, in return. I am trying--very hard---to notice the details of people more--because Jay did---and to be more caring and protective of everyone, as he was. We once met a man, a hitchhiker, out in the boondocks of Alaska---a person Jay insisted on helping. When we brought him safely to his door, he told us his story---he was hitchhiking home from Montana to Alaska to see his young son for the boy's birthday. If we hadn't stopped, he probably wouldn't have made it in time for the party. Well, let's just remember Jay's good heart and how important it is sometimes for one of our fellow creatures to make it to the party on time. How important, indeed, it was for us to be remembered and cared about, too.
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