Going On

This past week since Jay's death has been very busy, internally and externally. As we struggle to communicate what is important with each other and to deal with all the external realities, we also have much inner work to do. This is not the first time I have faced death and grief, and yet, it is both always the same and always unique. The neatly organized path through the grieving process has been mapped out for many years, reduced to "stages" and for those capable of such detachment, we can check off the mileposts---"Ah, yes, there's my denial....followed by my guilt....followed by my anger....followed by my acceptance....followed by peace...."

Knowing all this empiric information is of startlingly little help, only a faint comfort in that we can say, yes, we are making progress. It may not feel like it, but, the mileposts tell us that we are. In my own oddball way of dealing with loss, I've scattergunned through all the emotions at lightspeed and circled back for at least a dozen rounds, touring through them all---denial, guilt, anger, acceptance and peace---again and again, until finally, the wheel stops spinning.

There are so many things I wish I had told Jay, so many topics for conversations that might have helped, so many times when I was too tired and wrapped up in my own life to help him as much as I could have. Guilt is easy to find, all the could haves, should haves, and ifs. But in the end, it is what it is, we did what we did, gave what we could. And that has to be enough.

Slowly, other things come into view, a larger picture---one that we never entirely lose sight of --the realization that the people and things that Jay cared about are still here with us. There is his family to think about. What comfort can we offer them? There is the whole program at Excel Gymnastics. What can we do to support it?

Jay Rivera shone a bright light on the world, in spite of the great darkness that haunted his personal life. How can we, his family and friends and students---retain and reflect that light, so that it lives on for many years to come?

I find myself keeping a very clean and orderly house. I wasn't a slob before I knew Jay, but forever after, I will be thinking of him as I dust and pick up candy wrappers and straighten things up. Having a clean and orderly environment was so important to him. Kids? This is something you can do---keep your room at home clean and keep the gym clean. Think of Coach Jay as you are doing it, and the blessing of his life will be increased through you.

As he said time after time and day after day, "It's so simple!!!"

Take the ten extra steps to throw away that wad of tape, that candy wrapper, that piece of old chewing gum. Put your dirty gym socks in the laundry bag. Hang up your coat. Don't leave your boots in the middle of the floor where everyone is walking. Wash your hands. Put things back where you find them, instead of leaving them cluttered around.

Does this sound familiar? It should.

If you become a cleaner and better organized person because of Coach Jay's example, the effort you make will improve your life. It will also honor him.

During the last months of his life, Jay studied Kabbalah with me. Kabbalah is an ancient Jewish interpretation of the Bible, which provides instruction on how to live a good life. When I told our Kabbalah instructor about Jay's death, he assured me that whenever we make such efforts to remember Jay with our actions and make good changes in our lives for his sake, his soul is blessed anew.

Let's bless his soul a whole bunch this week---every time we sweep the floor, throw our dirty clothes in a hamper, take out the trash, wash the dishes---think of him and smile.